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Around four years ago, my struggling marriage led me to seek advice from my husband's former psychiatrist. I knew that he had experience with his former ADHD spouse, so I hoped his wisdom would be invaluable. Among the many insights he shared, one stood out: I needed to learn how to support my spouse with ADHD. I kept this advice in mind but last year, I had to confront these issues again. Feeling frustrated by broken promises and a sense of being unheard, I knew it was time for a change.
By chance, I stumbled upon Melissa Orlov's website, www.adhdmarriage.com, where I discovered a community of non-ADHD partners facing similar challenges and searching for answers. Reading the messages in the forum, I realized I wasn't alone in the struggles I faced with my husband's forgetfulness and inability to keep promises. Encouraged by this connection, I decided to reach out to Melissa and participate in her couple's seminar, hoping it would shed some light on our situation.
The seminar came at the perfect time, as my frustration had reached its breaking point (again). The sessions helped my husband understand that managing his ADHD was his responsibility and not something to neglect. This inspired us to seek a new assessment for his ADHD, including any potential comorbidities, so he could receive the appropriate medication and treatment.
I found myself becoming increasingly angry at the end of every session because what Melissa talked about mirrored the struggles in my marriage. It was hard for me to accept that non-ADHD partners should do more to support and empathize with their ADHD partners. I kept asking myself, " I already do a lot more than my fair share. I got a lot on my plate, too. Why do I have to be more supportive and forgiving and need to do even more? Why can't it be the other way around?" However, a moment of revelation came when I re-read Susan Pinsky's book "Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD" during the middle of the seminar. A simple but profound passage resonated with me, shedding light on my husband's challenges. Pinsky wrote, "For someone with ADHD, even the simplest tasks take much more energy than it takes for others. To shower, get dressed, and get out the door in the morning can require the kind of care and concentration that average people expend over their entire day." I never realized that it was so hard for him to concentrate and the example that Susan Pinsky pointed out was something I have seen from my husband before. I then started expanding beyond that getting ready example and recalled other instances where my husband would restart a task repeatedly. The light bulb went off immediately. This newfound understanding allowed me to connect the dots and grasp my husband was trying his best and it takes way more energy for him than for me to do what is average for me. I finally understand why Melissa emphasized the need for additional support and empathy from the non-ADHD partners.
My journey as a non-ADHD spouse navigating a relationship with my husband, who has ADHD, has been challenging but enlightening. Discovering Melissa's website and participating in her couple's seminar has given me a newfound perspective on what my husband has been going through all his life.
This seminar is not only beneficial for new ADHD couples but also for couples who have been working together for some time. In my next blog, I am going to share more specifics about the couple's seminar, so if you want to attend with your spouse/partner, you'll know what to expect.
Seminar Details:
Cost: $299 per couple (for 2023)
Total sessions: 9, 1 session a week
Medium: Zoom
Great for: Any couples at any stage of their relationship. For new couples, it is valuable because you get key information that helps you prepare for what's ahead. For couples that have been living with ADHD for some time, it is also great because it is a good refresher and can help you work through any built-up resentment and start repairing the relationship again.
Health Insurance reimbursement: Not Applicable
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Be sure to check out part 2 of my blog below.