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Is It ADHD or Something Else? The Risk of Diagnosing Yourself—or Your Partner
- Non-ADHD Spouse
- Jul 29
- 4 min read
In ADHD relationship forums and support groups, it’s common to hear about partners self-diagnosing—or diagnosing each other. According to an October 2023 data brief from the National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 60% of adults in the U.S. admit to using the internet to self-diagnose(1). A 2022 study commissioned by Thriveworks found that 61% of people recognized symptoms based on the experiences of a family member or friend with the condition, while 30% consulted Google, 19% relied on articles, 18% on social media, and 15% on films or TV shows(2).
This trend is especially common in ADHD relationships, where both partners are often trying to make sense of each other’s behavior—because ADHD is incredibly complex. According to multiple studies, including The Prevalence of Psychiatric Comorbidities in Adult ADHD Compared With Non-ADHD Populations: A Systematic Literature Review by Choi et al. (published in PLOS ONE)(3), as many as 80% of adults with ADHD report having at least one comorbid psychiatric condition, such as depression, anxiety, or substance use disorders. What often begins as a search for understanding can, over time, evolve into a firm belief—rooted more in repetition than in clinical context or confirmation. Eventually, one partner may even begin to question their own mental health.
So today, let’s explore the benefits and the risks of self-diagnosis—especially when it shows up inside a relationship.
The Appeal: Why People Self-Diagnose
It’s easy to understand the why behind this growing trend.
Information is everywhere. From YouTube videos to social media accounts to blog posts like this one, people are exposed to endless stories and symptom lists that sound familiar.
Mental health care can be hard to access. For many, long waitlists, cost, or bad experiences with providers make professional diagnosis feel out of reach.
We want answers. Especially in relationships with ADHD, where dynamics can feel confusing or unpredictable, people want to feel empowered with explanations.
In many cases, self-diagnosis can even be helpful—as a starting point. It can lead to greater self-awareness, self-compassion, and the motivation to seek proper help. But without follow-through or boundaries, it can also do real harm.
The Harm of Self-Diagnosis
According to a 2023 article in Psychological Medicine, the risks of self-diagnosis—especially in neuropsychiatric contexts—are substantial. These risks affect not just individuals but also their relationships and the social context around them (4).
1. It can reinforce identity traps.
Once someone identifies with a diagnosis (right or wrong), they may start to interpret all their behaviors—and others’—through that lens. This can narrow their view of themselves or their partner, limiting growth and understanding.
2. It can strain relationships.
When one partner diagnoses the other, it often leads to defensiveness, mistrust, and even emotional distance. Instead of seeking mutual understanding, the dynamic shifts to “I know what’s wrong with you,” which can feel condescending or invalidating.
3. It can lead to the wrong treatment path.
Believing in an incorrect diagnosis may push someone toward strategies, therapies, or even medications that aren't actually helpful—or may make things worse.
4. It can foster social harm.
The article also warns about broader social consequences: overidentifying with certain neuro-diagnoses can fuel misunderstandings, stigma, or tribalism. In couples, this can look like aligning with a diagnosis as an identity—and shutting down nuance, curiosity, or cooperation.
Use Self-Diagnosis as a Starting Point—Not the Final Word
If you’re seeing traits in yourself or your partner that resemble ADHD or another condition, try these first steps instead of jumping straight to a conclusion:
1. Get Curious, Not Certain
Notice what behaviors or patterns are prompting your concern. Is your partner forgetful lately? Are you more reactive than usual? Ask why that might be showing up now. It could be ADHD—or it could be burnout, grief, hormones, or stress.
2. Keep a Record
Instead of jumping to a diagnosis, start writing down behaviors and keeping a record. Our minds can play tricks on us by remembering only what confirms our suspicions. Tracking what happened, when it happened, and what else was going on can give you clarity. For instance, if you're under pressure at work and managing a major home renovation, your forgetfulness or short temper might stem from stress, not a neurological condition.
3. Talk About It Together
If you’re concerned about something going on in your partner, bring it up with openness, not accusation. “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed overwhelmed lately. How are you doing?” is very different from “I think you have ADHD.”
4. Focus on Support Over Labels
You don’t need a diagnosis to start supporting each other better. If your partner’s behavior is affecting you, speak to that. If you need more reminders, clearer communication, or better boundaries—ask for them. This helps build trust in the relationship, making it easier for both partners to open up—and ultimately leading to a stronger, more connected bond.
Final Thoughts: A Call for Curiosity, Not Certainty
When something feels off in a relationship—especially one affected by ADHD—it’s natural to search for answers. But in our quest to understand, it’s easy to cross into labeling. And while self-awareness is essential, assigning a diagnosis—especially to a partner—can become more damaging than clarifying.
Even if you’re right, the process matters. Diagnosing yourself or your partner without professional guidance can lead to confusion, misplaced shame, or unnecessary conflict. What we really need in those moments isn’t a label—it’s curiosity.
Stay open. Stay compassionate. Use tools like observation, note-taking, and professional insight to support real understanding. In the long run, it’s that kind of thoughtful, respectful approach that helps couples grow stronger—not the certainty of a name, but the shared effort to keep learning and connecting.
Sources
NCHS Data Brief, No. 482, October 2023
Thriveworks Research: Americans Diagnose Themselves or Others with Mental Health Conditions (October 2022)
Choi WS, Woo YS, Wang SM, Lim HK, Bahk WM. The prevalence of psychiatric comorbidities in adult ADHD compared with non-ADHD populations: A systematic literature review. PLoS One. 2022 Nov 4;17(11):e0277175. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0277175. PMID: 36331985; PMCID: PMC9635752.
David, A. S. & Deeley, Q. (2024). Dangers of self‑diagnosis in neuropsychiatry. Psychological Medicine, 54(6), 1057–1060. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291724000308
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