What Is the Point of Performance—and Why Should I Care About It?

What Is the Point of Performance and Why Should I Care About It

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Recently, I had a conversation with a therapist who works with ADHD couples. During our chat, I brought up the concept of the “point of performance”—a term I’ve found incredibly helpful in navigating my own ADHD marriage. To my surprise, the therapist hadn’t heard of it.

Not long after, I presented the same concept in a task sharing workshop for ADHD couples in a task sharing workshop—and again, no one in the room had come across it.

That really caught me off guard.

I had assumed the “point of performance” would be more commonly known in the ADHD community, especially among professionals. But this conversation reminded me that even those deeply involved in ADHD work may not have come across every tool or term that helps explain what’s really happening in relationships—and this one, in particular, is worth sharing.

So... What Is the Point of Performance?

The term comes from Dr. Russell Barkley, one of the foremost experts on ADHD. He defines it as:

In other words, it’s not that the ADHD partner doesn’t know what to do—they often do. The problem is, when it’s time to act on that knowledge in real time, their executive functioning doesn’t activate the way it should.

This is where things break down.

Because when we recognize that the challenge isn’t a lack of caring or knowing, but rather the ability to activate what they know and follow through in the moment, we stop seeing our partner’s inability to complete tasks as defiance or disinterest.

It’s no longer, “They just don’t care enough to do it.”It becomes, “Oh—this is where the ADHD is showing up.”

And that changes everything. It softens the frustration. It brings back compassion. And it reopens conversations that might have shut down long ago because of repeated misunderstandings.

When both partners understand where the breakdown happens, you can begin to look at why—and more importantly, how to support that specific moment so things can go differently next time.

Why Should You Care About the Point of Performance?

Because without understanding it, you’re guessing. And guessing—especially in an ADHD relationship—is exhausting. It leads to misinterpretation, resentment, and the feeling that nothing ever really changes.

Think of it like this: when you go to the doctor and say, “My stomach hurts,” the doctor doesn’t immediately hand you a prescription. They ask questions. They listen. They poke around and try to pinpoint where the pain is coming from.

Why? Because you can’t fix what you don’t fully understand.

ADHD relationships need that same level of curiosity—to understand what’s actually getting in the way before applying solutions that might work for ourselves but not for our partner.

That’s why identifying the point of performance matters so much. If you skip that step, even the most well-meaning strategies might miss the mark—because they’re aimed at the wrong problem.

You might focus on increasing motivation, setting more reminders, or cutting distractions—when the real challenge is that your partner’s executive functioning doesn’t reliably activate what they already know in the moment it’s needed.

In those moments, even the most thoughtful strategies can fall flat—not because they’re bad ideas, but because they’re aimed at the wrong part of the process.

So What Does Help?

When you understand the point of performance, you stop trying to “fix” your partner and instead start focusing on how and when to support that moment of activation—so they can move forward more successfully, not just know what to do.

That’s when real change becomes possible.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the idea of having to figure all of that out on your own—don’t worry. I wrote a post that walks you through how to break this down and share the process with your partner, instead of carrying it all by yourself. Read this post, Decoding the Point of Performance in Supporting Our ADHD Spouses.

One Small Shift, Big Impact

Understanding the point of performance invites us to rewrite the story we tell about ADHD in our relationships. It challenges us to move beyond frustration and judgment—and into curiosity and empathy.

When we stop seeing missed tasks or forgotten plans as laziness or a lack of care, and instead recognize them as moments where executive function simply doesn’t show up, everything changes.

This shift doesn’t mean the problems go away overnight, but it does create space, for patience, for teamwork, and for solutions that actually fit the real challenge—not just the surface symptoms.

Final Thought

If you take just one thing from this, let it be this:

Look closely at the when and where of the struggle. That’s where the breakthrough lives.

And from there, the path forward becomes clearer—not just for your ADHD partner, but for your relationship as a whole.

Want to go from “I get why this matters” to “I know exactly when and where my partner needs a hand”? In Part 2, you and your partner will learn to spot each of those critical moments using a fillable worksheet.

➤ Keep an eye out for “How to Pinpoint Every Point of Performance”—coming soon.