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How to Pinpoint Every Point of Performance?
- Alice S
- 3 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 6 hours ago
In my previous post, we explored why the point of performance matters—how it reframes missed tasks not as “laziness” but as moments when executive function fails to activate. That shift softens frustration and opens the door to genuine empathy.
Now it’s time to learn how to spot those hidden activation gaps in everyday tasks—so you know exactly where and when your partner needs support.
When a “Simple” Task Is Anything but Simple
Non-ADHD partners often suggest solutions that make perfect sense—from their point of view. But here’s the thing: what looks like one step to you might be ten (or more) micro-steps for your ADHD partner.
Let’s say you ask your partner to “swing by the store on the way home.”
Easy, right?
But for someone with ADHD, that one task can unfold into a complex chain of activation points:
Remembering to stop at the store
Noticing they’re near the store
Shifting gears mid-drive to turn in
Recalling what to buy
Navigating the store without distraction
Finding the items and checking out
And that’s before you factor in shifting moods, executive function fatigue, or coexisting conditions that make each step even harder to follow through on.
It’s not that your partner doesn’t want to help—it’s that the friction isn’t where you think it is.
Why Your Solutions Don’t Always Work
This is where frustration builds. You suggest something like a to-do list or calendar alert—but your partner still doesn’t follow through. It can feel like they’re ignoring you.
But more often than not, the problem isn’t remembering the task—it’s knowing how to catch the moment to act on it.
When you see your partner “struggle,” it’s natural to offer broad fixes like “Set a timer” or “Add it to your calendar.” These are solutions that would help you. But if your partner forgets to turn into the store lot, or gets there and can’t recall what to buy—your fix isn’t reaching the point where the real breakdown occurs.
Learning Conversations: A Tool for Uncovering Activation Gaps
So how do you figure out where the real breakdown is?
This is where Melissa Orlov’s communication exercise—Learning Conversations—comes in. It’s a low-pressure, structured way to talk with your partner not about blame or failure, but about understanding where the activation gaps lie.
Because what looks like “not following through” is often a gap in activation—that critical moment when your partner knows what to do but can’t quite start, shift, or finish.
The Learning Conversation helps you walk through a task step by step and pinpoint where activation fails. It lets you name moments like, “I forget what I’m supposed to do next,” or “I know I need to get going, but I just can’t move.”
Once you identify those points, the conversation naturally shifts from:
“Why didn’t you just do it?”
to
“What’s happening in the moment that’s making follow-through hard—and how can I support you there?”
Want to learn more about Melissa's Learning Conversation exercise? Read it here.
Use the Worksheet to Support the Process
To make this even more practical, I created a worksheet to pair with your Learning Conversation. You can use it to:
Break a task down together
Identify multiple points of performance
Highlight where activation struggles—and where support helps most
You don’t have to solve everything in one go. This tool is here to support the process, not rush it.
Remember: identifying points of performance isn’t about “fixing” your partner’s willpower. It’s about finding where activation falters, so you can both figure out what kind of help will truly make a difference.
Good luck—and I can’t wait to hear what you discover.
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