How Do You Know Which Communication Tools to Use and When?

How Do You Know Which Communication Tools to Use and When

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Recently, while hosting an office hours session for ADHD couples, we were discussing how to use communication to improve a relationship. As we talked through some of the different ways couples can communicate more effectively, I saw a light bulb go off for someone—and then came the question:

How do you know which communication tools to use, in what sequence, and when?

It’s a great question. There are so many different communication tools available, and each one can be helpful in a different situation. Wouldn't it be great if you could learn these tools, recognize what is happening in the moment, and know which one to reach for—and when?

It sounds great, but it might not be so easy to accomplish.

Think about what happens during a difficult conversation. You may suddenly find yourself frustrated, hurt, angry, or defensive. Your partner may say something that catches you off guard. You might know exactly what you learned about communicating differently, but now you have to remember the tool, figure out how it applies to the situation, and actually use it—all within a matter of seconds.

That can be much harder than it sounds.

Research on skill learning has found that practice can increase the speed of performance, make a practiced behavior more habitual, and reduce the cognitive load required to perform it. Repeated practice can also make information easier to retrieve later and require fewer mental resources when you need to recall it. In other words, practice can help make it easier to access and use. And this brings me back to the original question about which communication tools to use and when.

Yes, learning different communication tools can be valuable. But I think there can be more value in becoming really comfortable with a few tools together than knowing hundreds or thousands of tools that you rarely practice. The goal isn't to build the biggest communication toolbox or to know hundreds of different techniques.

The goal is to have a few tools you can actually reach for when you need them.

And this is where practicing together becomes so important. Rather than trying to figure out the perfect tool for every possible situation, choose one that makes sense for both of you and give yourselves time to learn how to use it. Practice it when things are going well, and then try using it when you have a more difficult conversation.

For couples navigating ADHD in their relationship, having something familiar to fall back on can be especially helpful. Your partner doesn't have to remember a long list of communication strategies, and neither do you. You are simply building familiarity with a few tools that you can both recognize and use.

This reminds me of Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers, where he discusses the idea that reaching an exceptional level of expertise in a skill can require roughly 10,000 hours of practice.

The good news is that we're not trying to become experts at communicating with our partners.

We're simply trying to get a little better at it. You don't need 10,000 hours. You don't need to master every communication tool you come across. You can start with just one.

Practice it together. Give yourselves time to become familiar with it. Then, when a difficult moment comes, you have a better chance of recalling it when you need it most—and actually using it.

Because better communication doesn't have to happen all at once.

One conversation, one practice, and one step at a time can start to make a difference.