Do You Still Fight With Your ADHD Spouse?

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When I first started writing about my journey as a non-ADHD partner in an ADHD relationship, my spouse and I were already working hard to improve our communication. We knew our relationship had potential, but we also knew it would take effort, understanding, and a lot of patience to get to where we are today. Back then, we were making progress, but we still had our fair share of misunderstandings and arguments. Fast forward to now, and our relationship is much stable. We communicate better, understand each other more deeply, and truly feel like a team. But does that mean we never fight anymore?

The short answer? Of course we still fight. We’re human, after all. But the way we fight—and how we recover—has changed dramatically. If you’re a non-ADHD partner wondering whether conflict ever truly goes away, let me reassure you: it doesn’t. And that’s okay. What matters is how you navigate those moments together.

The Reality of Conflict in Any Relationship

Let’s start by normalizing something: conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Whether it’s about chores, finances, or how to spend a weekend, disagreements happen. In an ADHD relationship, though, conflict can sometimes feel more intense or frequent because of the unique challenges ADHD brings. Forgetfulness, impulsivity, and emotional dysregulation can all play a role in sparking arguments.

But here’s the thing: thriving in an ADHD relationship doesn’t mean eliminating conflict altogether. It means having the tools, understanding, and patience to handle those moments in a way that strengthens your bond rather than tearing it down.

The Shift in How We Fight

So, do we still fight? Yes. But the way we fight has changed. Here’s what’s different:

1. We Use “I” Statements:

I feel X when you do Y because of Z

We’ve made it a practice to share how we feel using “I” statements during fights. For example, I might say,

“I feel frustrated when you forget to do X because it makes me feel like my needs aren’t a priority to you.”

This approach helps us communicate our emotions clearly and understand how the issue affects the other person. Communicating how I feel truly help my ADHD partner understand why this is causing the fight and that often de-escalate our fights quickly.

2. We Don’t Let Issues Linger

When a conflict arises, we address it as soon as possible. We’ve learned that letting issues linger only makes them harder to resolve, so we tackle them head-on before they escalate.

3. We Take Breaks When Needed

Some fights escalate quickly, and emotions run high. We've learned to recognize when a discussion is becoming unproductive and to tell each other when it's time to take a break. Stepping away allows us to cool down, gain perspective, and return to the conversation with a clearer, more objective mindset. Often, when we come back, we start by apologizing for our previous behavior, making it easier to have a constructive discussion.

These strategies haven’t eliminated conflict, but they’ve made it less frequent, less intense, and far easier to resolve.

Tips for Non-ADHD Partners to Navigate Conflict

If you’re in an ADHD relationship and wondering how to navigate conflict more effectively, here are a few tips that have worked for us:

1. Choose Your Words Wisely

There are certain words or phrases that can fuel a fight, and I’ve learned to avoid them. For example, instead of saying, “You always forget,” I might say, “I noticed this slipped your mind—can we find a way to help you remember next time?” Being mindful of my language helps keep the conversation constructive. Here are some examples for you to consider:

2. Communicate Clearly and Concisely

We make an effort to clearly and concisely communicate our positions and feelings. This means being specific about what’s bothering us and why, rather than speaking in generalities. Clarity and Concise help us both understand where the other is coming from.

Conflict never fully disappears, but how you handle it can transform your ADHD relationship. Learn strategies to fight fair & grow.

3. Focus on the Current Issue

When we fight, we stick to the issue at hand. Bringing up past conflicts only muddies the water and makes resolution harder. By staying focused, we can address the problem directly and move forward more quickly.

The Bigger Picture

At the end of the day, conflict isn’t the enemy. It’s an opportunity to learn, grow, and deepen your connection—if you approach it with care and understanding. My relationship with my ADHD spouse isn’t perfect, but it’s thriving because we’ve learned to navigate our challenges together. We still fight, but those fights no longer define our relationship. Instead, they’re moments that remind us how far we’ve come and how much we’ve grown.

If you’re feeling discouraged in your ADHD relationship, I want to leave you with this: thriving is possible. It takes work, patience, and a lot of love, but it’s worth it. And remember, you’re not alone on this journey.

Call-to-Action

What about you? How have you navigated conflict in your ADHD relationship? Share your experiences or questions in the comments below—I’d love to hear from you! And if you found this post helpful, don’t forget to subscribe for more tips and insights on thriving in an ADHD relationship.