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This is a question I used to ask myself often in the early years of my marriage, before I truly understood the effects of ADHD on our dynamic. I remember the frustration and fear of wanting to share something important to me, only to have the conversation end abruptly—sometimes in anger, sometimes in misunderstanding, and often within just five minutes of starting. I knew my intentions were good, but that didn’t prevent the cycle of miscommunication. The fear of my partner misinterpreting my words and reacting emotionally kept me walking on eggshells. Sometimes, I elected not to even share because I already expected a negative outcome and want to avoid another unsuccessful conversation.
If you’re feeling this way, I want you to know: Your question is valid. You’re not alone in this experience, and you’re not wrong for longing to freely express yourself in your relationship. The question is often around what to do about it.
There is no magic wand that will instantly transform communication in an ADHD marriage. However, there is a path forward—a path I took over the years that has allowed me to express myself freely with my ADHD partner, and vice versa, while ensuring that we both hear and understand each other more clearly. Here’s what worked for us:
Practicing Communication Exercises
In our case, we committed to practicing communication exercises religiously every week for over a year. ADHD coach Jonathan Hassall recommends that ADHD couples practice daily for faster results. These exercises helped us build the foundation of effective communication, and over time, they became second nature to us. Now, communication is not just something we work on—it’s the way we interact every day.
Truly Hearing and Understanding Each Other
Through these exercises, particularly the "I statement" and validation exercises, we learned to truly hear and understand each other. For example, I gained insight into why my ADHD partner clears the sink a certain way, and in turn, he understood how his approach creates stress for me because I perceive it as chaos. That chaos, in turn, affects my mood and interactions with him. Understanding these little but significant differences allowed us to agreed on a way forward that we both could agree and accept. Thus, dramatically reducing the rinse and repeat of the previously unproductive conversation around the topic of the sink.
Choosing My Words Carefully
There are multiple ways to say the same thing, and I started paying attention to which approaches caused my ADHD partner to disengage or react negatively versus those that kept him engaged. Instead of simply making requests with no context, I began adjusting how I asked for things.
For example, rather than saying, “Please get X done,”—which my ADHD partner tended to drag out or overlook—I started framing requests by first sharing how I felt. Instead, I’d say: “Honey, the bathroom needs cleaning. Could you take care of it today? It would really help me not stress over it since you know how a messy house affects my mood. I’d really appreciate it.”
This small shift made a big difference. By presenting requests in a way that felt less like a demand and more like a meaningful contribution to our shared space, he could better understand why it mattered. As a result, tasks started getting done the first time, creating a win-win for both of us.
This wasn’t about walking on eggshells—it was about learning to communicate in a way that worked for both of us. It only took a few moments to find the right words, and over time, it became second nature.
So, will there ever be a day when you can fully express yourself without fear? The answer is yes—but it takes time, effort, and commitment from both partners. By practicing communication exercises, learning how to truly hear each other, and refining how you express yourself, you can create a space where both of you feel safe to speak openly and honestly.
If you’re struggling with this, I encourage you to start small and be patient with the process. With consistency, you can move from walking on eggshells to having meaningful, productive conversations that strengthen your relationship.
To help you get started, I highly recommend you listening to my interview with ADHD coach Jonathan Hassall on my interview series, "Insights from the Trenches" where he explain in great details, what is going on in an ADHD partner's mind during typical communication with the partner and a communication exercises that help you both to start thriving in a few weeks. Enjoy!
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