Why Doesn’t My ADHD Partner Listen to My Suggestions?

Why Doesn’t My ADHD Partner Listen to My Suggestions

0:00

Q: “Why doesn’t my ADHD partner listen to my suggestions? I offer helpful ideas—ways to solve a recurring issue, reminders that could make life easier, even shortcuts to avoid stress—but my ADHD partner just won't listen.”

A: You’re not imagining it—and you’re definitely not alone. Many non-ADHD partners share this exact frustration. They try to be supportive, but their ADHD partner doesn’t seem to listen, follow through, or even respond.

Before jumping to the conclusion that your partner is being stubborn or lazy (and believe me, I’ve been there too), let’s look at three common reasons your suggestions might not be landing:

1. They’re not asking for a solution.

Even in close relationships, unsolicited advice can backfire. ADHD partners may already feel overwhelmed, ashamed, or discouraged by their own struggles—especially if they’ve tried and failed before. Your suggestion, however well-meaning, might unintentionally add pressure or make them feel worse.

2. Your solution might not feel doable to them.

What feels like one simple step to a non-ADHD brain might feel like five or even ten steps to an ADHD brain. If a suggestion seems too complex, misaligned, or inaccessible, they may shut down, avoid it, or even get defensive.

3. It’s about how (and when) the suggestion is offered.

Timing, tone, and delivery matter. If your partner is already stressed or sensitive to criticism, even gentle advice can feel like judgment. This often leads to tuning out or reacting defensively—not because they don’t care, but because they’re overwhelmed.

So what can you do instead?

Here’s a simple communication framework you can try to offer support without triggering defensiveness or disconnection:

Step 1: Get curious before offering solutions

Start by understanding what’s getting in their way. Try:

“You’re getting close to the deadline, but it seems like you’re still feeling stuck. I’d love to support you—can you share what’s feeling hard right now so we can figure it out together?”

This shows empathy, avoids assumptions, and invites collaboration.

Step 2: Let them share—without judgment

You may be surprised that the root of the problem isn’t what you thought. When you give your ADHD partner the space to talk about their challenge without interruption or judgment, they’re more likely to lower their defenses and be open to support.

Step 3: Ask permission before offering a solution

Instead of jumping in with advice, ask if they’re open to hearing your thoughts. For example:

“Would it help if I shared something that’s worked for me?”

This makes your partner feel respected, not managed—and makes them more willing to engage.

Step 4: Invite their input

After you share an idea, check in with them:

“Does that sound realistic to you?”“What do you think—would that work for you?”

This keeps the door open for honest discussion, and helps you find something that works together.

Sometimes the issue isn’t the suggestion—it’s the way it’s being delivered. That’s not a failure on your part. It’s a sign that a different approach may be needed. Your effort does matter. And when you meet your partner where they are—instead of where you wish they were—you open the door to trust, teamwork, and long-term connection.