Why “Why Can’t He Just Grow Up?” Misses the Point in ADHD Relationships

Alice S
3 days ago
4 min read

“Why Can’t He Just Grow Up” Misses the Point in ADHD Relationships

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Over the holidays, something familiar happened.

My partner’s mother reached out to me — frustrated — because he had waited until the last minute (again) to get something done. In the middle of the conversation, out came a sentence I know all too well:

“Why can’t he just grow up?”

That sentence stopped me in my tracks.

Not because I hadn’t heard it before — but because I used to say it myself.

Before I truly understood ADHD and how it impacts my partner, I believed what many non-ADHD partners, parents, and loved ones believe:

If my partner cared enough, my partner would remember.
If it mattered, my partner would do it earlier.
At some point, shouldn’t my partner just… grow up?

But learning more about ADHD — and continuing to learn — completely changed that narrative.

Because here’s the truth many people don’t realize:

ADHD can be deeply impairing in ways that aren’t obvious from the outside.

A lot of people think they understand ADHD. But understanding it intellectually and understanding how it shows up in someone you love are two very different things — and it takes time to bridge that gap.

So if you’re a non-ADHD partner, parent, or loved one, here are three things I wish I had understood sooner.

1. Forgetfulness Isn’t Carelessness — It’s an ADHD Symptom

Forgetfulness isn’t a character flaw.It’s not laziness.And it’s not a sign that someone doesn’t care.

It’s an executive function issue.

People with ADHD often have weaker executive functioning — the part of the brain responsible for:

Planning
Prioritizing
Remembering
Initiating tasks
Sequencing

Forgetfulness is one of the most common ways this shows up.

Yes, repetition can help.

Yes, systems can help.

But they are never a 100% guarantee.

We shouldn’t expect them to work perfectly every time — especially when we, as non-ADHD partners, can’t guarantee we remember or perform tasks flawlessly - every time ourselves.

Just the other day, I had a complete brain fart and forgot the code to open my garage door.

Now imagine that happening more frequently — even when you’re genuinely trying, using reminders, but the reminders is not in visual range when you need it.

That’s ADHD.

Of course, ADHD partners still have responsibility. Finding tools, systems, and supports to help them remember does matter. But when they are genuinely trying, forgiveness matters just as much.

Because most of the time, forgetting isn’t intentional.

ADHD simply gets in the way.

2. ADHD Education Isn’t One-and-Done — It Has to Be Ongoing

When my partner was first diagnosed with ADHD, I did what many non-ADHD partners do.

I read everything. I listened to podcasts. I tried to learn as much as I could — quickly.

And then… I stopped.

Life got busy. Things improved a bit. I assumed I “got it.”

But over time, I noticed something uncomfortable: I started expecting my partner to perform at my standard, consistently.

It wasn’t until I restarted my ADHD education that I realized how much I had lost sight of:

Why certain behaviors kept repeating
Why progress wasn’t linear
Why old frustrations kept resurfacing

ADHD education isn’t something you do once and check off a list. It has to be ongoing.

That might look like:

Reading books
Watching YouTube videos
Listening to podcasts
Talking to others in similar relationships

It doesn’t matter how you do it — what matters is that you keep doing it.

Because ADHD doesn’t go away. And our understanding needs regular refreshing too.

Those refreshers help reduce frustration — and prevent harmful words from slipping out in moments of stress.

3. Your ADHD Partner Can’t Fix This Alone — and You Can Solve Problems Together

This one can be especially hard for non-ADHD partners to accept — especially when you’re already tired, frustrated, or carrying more than you ever expected.

Many of us quietly (or not so quietly) believe:

This is their problem. They should fix it.

But the reality is more nuanced.

Most ADHD partners know there’s a problem. They often feel the consequences more intensely than anyone else. What they struggle with is finding solutions that actually work — and sustaining them — without support.

That doesn’t mean:

Doing everything for them
Parenting your partner
Carrying the entire mental load

Support does not mean enabling.

Support means working together to solve problems.

That can look like:

Talking openly about what isn’t working — without blame
Collaborating on systems that match how an ADHD brain actually functions
Adjusting expectations based on neurological reality
Encouraging progress instead of perfection

ADHD isn’t something your partner can “white-knuckle” their way through alone.

And when it’s treated like a solo problem, resentment builds — on both sides.

Yes, this can feel like an added responsibility — and often not what you imagined marriage or partnership would look like.

But the truth is:

Every marriage requires some level of mutual support.

If you and your partner can create systems that allow them to succeed 70–80% of the time — without you constantly stepping in — you’ve likely found the right balance.

Perfection isn’t the goal. Sustainability is.

What I Know Now

When I hear someone say, “Why can’t he just grow up?” I don’t hear cruelty anymore.

I hear a lack of understanding — the same place I once stood.

ADHD isn’t about maturity. It’s about brain wiring.

And the more we learn — and keep learning — the more space we create for compassion, teamwork, and realistic expectations.

If you’re a non-ADHD partner feeling frustrated, exhausted, or confused, you’re not alone.

Understanding ADHD doesn’t happen overnight. But every layer of understanding changes how we show up in our relationships.

And sometimes, that changes everything.

As we move into the new year, consider this an invitation to continue educating yourself about ADHD — not to excuse behavior, but to support your relationship in healthier, more sustainable ways.

A Small Daily Support for Non-ADHD Partners

If daily reminders, encouragement, and ADHD-informed insights would support you, I created a perpetual daily motivational calendar specifically for non-ADHD partners.

It’s designed to help you: