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What Does a Thriving ADHD Marriage Really Look Like?
- Alice S
- 1 day ago
- 3 min read
This is such an important question — and honestly, one I’ve wrestled with myself over the years.
When you’re stuck in a challenging ADHD relationship, it’s almost impossible not to compare. We look at other couples and quietly decide they’re “thriving,” then hold our own relationship up against that image like a measuring stick. And usually, we come up short.
We start fantasizing about a perfect relationship. We imagine how much easier things would be if our partner just behaved the way we want, communicated the way we want, remembered what we want. That fantasy can feel comforting — but it can also be incredibly painful.
Here’s what I’ve learned the hard way: thriving doesn’t mean perfect, effortless, or problem-free.
Thriving Doesn’t Mean “No Challenges”
Yes, ADHD does create more challenges in a relationship. There’s no sugarcoating that. The misunderstandings, the uneven emotional load, the frustration, the burnout — they’re real.
But a relationship can still be rewarding and thriving even with those challenges.
I often think about work as a comparison. When you pour time and energy into a big project, struggle through the messy middle, and finally see it completed successfully — there’s a sense of pride. Relief. Growth. But does that mean the work is done forever?
Of course not.There’s always another project around the corner.
That’s life. And honestly, that’s relationships too.
A thriving ADHD marriage isn’t one where the work disappears. It’s one where the effort leads to results that matter to you.
Thriving Is About Your Definition — Not Someone Else’s
This is the part I think we don’t talk about enough.
When we don’t get clear on what we want and need, we often default to other people’s definitions of thriving — and then impose those standards onto our relationship.
Standards that may not fit us at all.
And that’s a recipe for resentment.
We’re living in the 21st century, yet many of us are still unconsciously measuring our relationships by outdated cultural expectations. What a “good” marriage is supposed to look like. Who earns what. Who does what. Who sacrifices more.
We’re also living in a time where traditional relationship roles are shifting. According to a 2023 Pew Research Center report, about 29% of marriages in the United States today have spouses who earn about the same amount of money, and roughly 16% of marriages have a wife who is the primary or sole breadwinner.
So why are we still judging our ADHD marriages by standards that may not even align with our reality, values, or needs?
What Thriving Can Actually Look Like
For me, a thriving ADHD marriage looks like:
Feeling clearer about what I need — even when it’s uncomfortable
Working with my partner instead of constantly wishing he were different
Accepting that growth is ongoing, not a finish line
Defining success based on our progress, not perfection
Thriving is not about having fewer problems.It’s about having the right tools, the right expectations, and the right definition of success for you.
And that definition may look very different from someone else’s — and that’s not a failure. That’s intentional living.
So if you’re wondering whether your ADHD marriage is thriving, maybe the better question isn’t “Do we look like other couples?”Maybe it’s: “Are we building a relationship that actually works for us?”
That’s where thriving begins.
Source: Pew Research Center, In a Growing Share of U.S. Marriages, Husbands and Wives Earn About the Same (2023)
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