Two Parents, One ADHD Child: Finding a Shared Approach

Raising a child with ADHD is demanding; doing it with clashing parenting styles can feel exhausting and lonely. Maybe you recognize this dynamic: you’re the one scaffolding, reminding, structuring… and your partner worries you’re “making things too easy.”

For years, I was and am the one offering executive function (EF) support to our kids. When they were young, I was almost an extension of their EF... building routines, breaking tasks down, using visual schedules and reward charts, tracking all the moving parts. As they grew older, that role shifted into being their “human reminder”: “Did you pack your laptop?” “What time are you leaving?” “Did you email your teacher?”

My husband’s story was very different. He grew up with little parenting support and had to rely on himself early on, so his default was “try harder; they should figure it out.” His focus was independence; mine was support. Both came from love, but our approaches collided often.

Underneath our arguments was the same question many couples face: Is this support, or is this spoiling?

Why Support Isn’t “Spoiling”

In many ADHD families, one parent leans toward tools—timers, reminders, visual schedules, reward systems—while the other worries those tools will prevent independence. But tasks like time management, organization, prioritizing, and impulse control are all executive function heavy, and kids with ADHD have measurable delays in these areas.

Dr. Russell Barkley describes ADHD as roughly a 25–40% delay in EF development, about a 30% lag. A 10‑year‑old with ADHD may function more like a 7‑year‑old in self‑control, planning, and time management. In that context, supports like checklists, reminders, and timers aren’t pampering; they’re age‑appropriate scaffolds that match the child’s executive age, not just their birth certificate. (1) 

Research on ADHD and parenting shows that structured, supportive scaffolding predicts better self‑regulation, fewer behaviour problems, and stronger peer relationships. Without these supports, many kids mostly experience repeated failure, frustration, and anxiety, not resilience.(2) 

So no, you’re not spoiling your child when you use EF tools. You’re compensating for a brain‑based delay so they can practice success instead of marinating in shame.

Natural Consequences… With Context

I also deeply believe in the value of natural consequences. Our kids do need to experience what happens when they do (or don’t do) something, or when they say (or don’t say) something. That’s how humans learn.

But with ADHD, time works differently. Barkley calls ADHD “nearsightedness to time”: the ADHD brain lives much more in the now than in the future. If a consequence is too delayed or too big—like failing a class after months of missed homework—it often doesn’t register as “I should change my behaviour next time.” It just feels like more proof they’re doomed.

That’s why many experts recommend smaller, more immediate, scaffolded consequences—points, tokens, check‑ins, short‑term privileges—to prevent the huge, life‑altering ones. Natural consequences can be sized and timed to match a nervous system that may be 2–5 years behind in EF. (3) 

Helpful questions to ask yourself:

• What consequences are realistic for my child’s executive age?

• Where can I safely let natural consequences teach?

• Where do I need to step in so the fallout isn’t traumatic or overwhelming?

The goal is the same for all of us: independent, resourceful, confident adults. Some of our kids just need a longer runway and more scaffolding to get there.

When Parents Differ in Parenting Style: Now What?

Differences in parenting style are common in all families, but ADHD magnifies them, especially when one (or both) parents also has diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD, adding extra sensitivity, reactivity, and EF challenges to the mix.

Here are a few ways to move from conflict toward collaboration:

1. Learn About ADHD Together

ADHD is invisible, which makes it easy to underestimate its impact. Behaviours like impulsivity, hyperactivity, or forgetfulness are not choices; they are manifestations of a neurological condition. Try:

• Reading the same ADHD parenting article and talking about it.

• Watching a webinar or listening to a podcast together.

• Attending school meetings as a team so you both hear how ADHD shows up in your child’s day.

  
  

This shifts the conversation from “my way vs your way” to “what does our child’s brain actually need?”

2. Think Developmental Age, Not Just Chronological Age

Use the idea of “executive age” as shared language. If your child is 12 but functioning more like 8–9 in EF, what’s realistic for them to manage alone? (1) Ask together:

• Are our expectations about homework, chores, screens, or emotional control realistic for their EF age?

• Where can we lower demands for now and gradually raise them with support? (3)

This helps the independence‑focused parent see that supports aren’t forever, and reassures the support‑focused parent that the goal is still independence, on a different timeline.

3. Agree on a Few Core Expectations

You don’t have to match on everything, but you do need alignment on the basics.

Pick 2–3 key areas (often school, screens, and basic routines) and:

• Decide what’s non‑negotiable (safety, meds, school attendance).

• Decide what’s flexible (how homework gets done, which chores, when screens happen).

• If you’re stuck, consider a therapist or ADHD coach as a neutral third voice.

Then present those expectations to your child together so they aren’t stuck between two different systems.

You Don’t Have to Be the Same to Be a Team

You and your partner may never parent in the same way, and that’s okay. What matters most is that your child sees two adults who:

• Believe their struggles are real, not a character flaw

• Agree on core rules and values

• Are willing to compromise on how to support them, so the home feels more predictable and less like a battlefield

  
  

The work isn’t about choosing one style over the other. It’s about building a shared language—executive age, scaffolding, natural consequences with context—so you can row in the same direction, even if your strokes look a little different.

Sources:

(1) Executive Functioning, Self-regulation, and ADHDIs ADHD EFDD?: vapsych​

(2) Maternal Executive Functioning and Scaffolding in Families of Children with and without Parent- reported ADHD: pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih

(3) Scaffolding for ADHD Kids: Nurturing Executive Function Skills: [adhdpathfinder.co