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Being a non-ADHD spouse is no easy feat. It often feels like I'm juggling multiple roles at a moment's notice – therapist, cheerleader, caretaker – all while trying to maintain balance in our relationship. Through trial and error, I've come to realize that mastering certain skills can make a world of difference in helping our marriage thrive. Today, I want to share the top 5 key skills that have become my guiding light in navigating the complexities of an ADHD marriage.
Organization and Planning
Initially, I underestimated the importance of organization and planning in our lives. I thought I could simply juggle tasks and wing it. But as responsibilities piled up, I realized that winging it wasn't sustainable. So, I committed to improving my organization and planning skills. From establishing routines to setting up systems for long-term planning, these skills brought a sense of stability and predictability to our lives. They provided a lifeline during stressful times, helping me stay calm and centered amidst the chaos.
For example, after a close family member passed away, I decided to proactively plan and create a will and trust for us. This alleviated stress, especially for me, because it helped me stop worrying about the "what ifs" since I had made good plans ahead of time.
Time Management
Time is precious, especially in our fast-paced world. For individuals with ADHD, managing time effectively can be a challenge, particularly when it comes to tasks that aren't urgent or important. That's why mastering time management is crucial. By helping my ADHD partner set realistic expectations and prioritize tasks, we create space for meaningful connections and shared experiences. Breaking larger projects into manageable chunks prevents overwhelm and ensures progress, even amidst the busiest of schedules.
I often leverage our weekly check-in to discuss small pieces of medium and long-term plans for us. For example, recently, instead of attacking the large topic of income for retirement, I focused on sharing the importance of accruing the 40 social security credits (roughly 10 years of employment), where he is at the moment, and discussed how he could go about accruing the balance. By breaking the topic into a manageable chunk, such as accruing the 40 social security credits, he now actively looks for ways he could increase his income so he could check it off the list sooner.
Clear Communication
Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, but in an ADHD marriage, its significance is amplified. Early on, I struggled with open, unstructured conversations, only to find us both frustrated and stagnant. Over time, I discovered the power of clear, structured communication. By leveraging weekly check-ins and following a structured approach to discussions, we're able to make decisions together and move forward effectively. This approach fosters understanding and alignment, paving the way for growth and connection.
Adaptability and Flexibility
Living with ADHD means navigating unforeseen circumstances on a regular basis. Flexibility becomes essential, allowing us to embrace change and adapt gracefully. Whether it's adjusting plans on the fly or providing support during moments of burnout, flexibility is our lifeline. By practicing adaptability, we not only lower our stress levels but also strengthen our bond, creating a deeper sense of appreciation and understanding within our relationship.
For example, when I start seeing signs of ADHD burnout, I will lessen his load by only having him focus on a couple of household chores he needs to do each day until he gets back to normal. By practicing adaptability, I lower my own stress level while receiving appreciation from my ADHD spouse.
Empathy and Understanding
At the heart of our marriage lies empathy – the ability to truly understand and validate each other's experiences. While it can be challenging at times, cultivating empathy has transformed our relationship. By putting myself in my partner's shoes and offering a listening ear, I create a safe space where he feels valued and supported. This openness has deepened our connection, fostering trust and mutual respect.
For example, when my ADHD spouse is feeling overwhelmed by a busy schedule, I have learned to provide a listening ear and words of encouragement rather than dismissing his concerns, even when I don't understand them. Because of my ability to demonstrate empathy, he now opens up more freely to me and takes in more of my recommendations. By cultivating empathy, I created a safe and nurturing environment where he feels valued and supported.
Conclusion
In closing, mastering these five skills – organization and planning, time management, clear communication, adaptability and flexibility, empathy and understanding – lays the groundwork for a thriving ADHD marriage. It's not about perfection, but rather progress – one step at a time. As we bid farewell to March and embrace the journey ahead, let's continue to learn, grow, and love in our unique and beautiful way.