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How to Navigate an Ultimatum in Your ADHD Marriage
- Alice S
- Nov 11, 2025
- 5 min read
A while back, I wrote an post about whether you should use an ultimatum in your ADHD marriage. That post drew quite a few messages from readers — both ADHD and non-ADHD partners — but to my suprise, most came from those on the receiving end.
Many shared that their partner had given them a list of tasks to complete as part of the ultimatum — a way to demonstrate commitment and effort in the relationship. But as the time period comes to an end, many found themselves discouraged. They had completed many of the tasks they believed would show change, yet their partner’s feelings hadn’t shifted.
So why does that happen — and what can you do differently to navigate an ultimatum with the best chance of success? Before we share the how, let’s explore some of the common challenges the receiving partner faces.
Common Challenges for the Receiving Partner
Agreeing Without Clarity
To change their partner’s mind, many ultimatums come with a list of tasks the receiving partner must complete. These tasks often carry important expectations, but in the moment, the receiving partner just wants to save the relationship. Out of urgency or fear, they may agree to everything without fully thinking it through or clarifying what’s really being asked.
Example: A partner might say, “You need to go to therapy,” without specifying frequency, type of therapist, or what progress looks like. The receiving partner may agree immediately, thinking any therapy will suffice, without understanding the real expectation behind it.
Misunderstanding What Successful Completion Looks Like
Without asking, the receiving partner often assumes they know what “completing the task” means. But their assumptions may not match their partner’s expectations.
Example: The receiving partner may believe that simply showing up to therapy is enough. But their partner might be looking for deeper engagement — consistently participating, applying what they learn, and demonstrating behavioral changes outside of therapy.
Fear of Making Things Worse
Many receiving partners feel stuck and hesitant to check in with their partner along the way. They worry that asking for feedback or clarifying expectations could upset the fragile balance of the relationship. As a result, they continue doing what they think the partner wants — without confirming it.
Example: The receiving partner continues attending therapy, thinking they’re fulfilling the ultimatum, but never asks, “Is this what you need from me?” Without that conversation, the partner giving the ultimatum may still feel unsatisfied, leaving the receiving partner frustrated and discouraged.
How to Improve Your Chances When You’re Given an Ultimatum
While there’s no guaranteed way to fully change someone’s mind, there are a few things that can significantly improve your chances of navigating an ultimatum effectively:
Align on What Completion Means
Many couples never align on where the relationship should be once both partners agree the tasks have been completed successfully and met expectations. The receiving partner may assume that finishing the tasks means everything will go back to normal, while the partner giving the ultimatum may have a very different expectation. Having a conversation about what both of you consider a meaningful outcome sets clear expectations. This conversation is important even after you’ve accepted the list of tasks.
Think of an ultimatum like a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP) at work. Successfully completing the tasks shows that you’re performing at an acceptable level, which allows for a longer monitoring period — but it doesn’t mean everything goes back to normal. Continued effort and consistent behavior are still needed to continue building trust and demonstrating lasting change.
Understand What Your Partner Wants from Each Task
Some tasks may sound straightforward — like “go see a therapist” — but the outcome your partner wants from that task is often the most important part. Clarifying what they hope to see as a result of each task is crucial, because it’s about showing your partner that you’re committed to rebuilding the relationship.
It’s also important to articulate any limitations you foresee that could affect task completion. If possible, ask your partner to factor these limitations into their expectations for what counts as completing the task. This helps give you a better chance of meeting their expectations and showing meaningful progress.
Example: Your partner may want you to attend therapy sessions, but more importantly, their expectation is that you come to understand how your behavior has affected them and your relationship. The key is not just attending therapy, but demonstrating insight, reflection, and efforts to change patterns that have caused harm.
Communicate Progress Clearly and Regularly
Sharing progress — no matter how small — helps your partner see that you’re genuinely trying to change. Setting up regular check-ins, either daily or weekly, can make this easier and more structured. Use these check-ins not only to share what you’ve done, but also to reconfirm the desired outcomes and ensure your progress is moving you in that direction.
Example: Even after just a couple of therapy sessions, you could say: “I’ve started attending therapy and here’s what I’m working on. Is this moving us toward what you want to see?” This keeps both partners aligned and engaged.
Use Check-Ins to Problem-Solve Together
During periods of uneasiness in the relationship, more communication — not less — is essential. Once your partner has acknowledged your progress, you can use the same check-ins to address challenges and strategize solutions together. This keeps your partner involved rather than watching from the sidelines, and reinforces teamwork.
Example: If you’re struggling to apply insights from therapy or hit a roadblock, you might say: "I’ve been working hard on this task, and I hope you’ve seen my effort over the past few weeks. I realize I’m still not meeting your expectations — what would you recommend I do differently to better align with what you need?"
This approach demonstrates vulnerability, commitment, and collaboration. It also gives your partner a role in supporting you, which strengthens the connection and keeps both of you engaged in creating meaningful change.
If You’ve Already Accepted an Ultimatum
You can still go back and clarify — those conversations can help you both stay on the same page. Revisit what completion means, what outcomes your partner wants to see, and how you’ll share progress. Even if you’re already partway through the process, this kind of clarity can help you move forward with more confidence and a better chance of meeting your partner’s expectations.
Understanding What an Ultimatum Really Means
An ultimatum is not just a list of task - it's a signal that your partner is genuinely unhappy with the relationship and wants to see real change. You can’t force someone to change their mind, but you can take the right actions — the ones your partner truly wants to see — to show that you’re serious about improving the relationship.
When your partner sees enough consistent effort and meaningful change, it may open the door to more trust and even a longer opportunity to continue proving yourself beyond the original ultimatum. Think of an ultimatum as just the beginning — a structured chance to start demonstrating commitment, rebuilding connection, and laying the foundation for ongoing growth in the relationship.
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