As a non-ADHD spouse, it’s not uncommon to feel burdened by the responsibilities that come with managing a household, especially when you perceive your ADHD partner as not pulling their weight. This perceived lack of effort can often feel like they’re not trying hard enough or are being inconsiderate. In reality, I overcompensated for the perceived shortcomings of my ADHD partner. Over time, resentment can easily turn into anger, leaving you feeling isolated and out of ideas on how to solve the problems, with no one coming to help. It took me years to figure this out, but today, I want to share my path in hopes of shortening yours.
Here are a few steps I took to overcome this resentment and allow my marriage to thrive again.
1. Understanding How Hard My ADHD Spouse is Trying
It took me about 12 years and reading numerous books and articles before things finally sunk in and I connected the dots between how much ADHD is making him act or not act a certain way. Like many other non-ADHD spouses, I thought I understood ADHD and its impact, but I didn’t fully grasp how those symptoms actually prevented my spouse from performing at the level that is second nature to me. My lightbulb moment came when I read Susan Pinsky's book, Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD. A particular quote struck me, reminding me of a morning when my ADHD spouse showered three times. It dawned on me that tasks I found easy were extremely challenging for him. This was the first breadcrumb that made me realize how little I comprehended the difficulties my ADHD spouse goes through every day and the effort he was putting in just to get to an acceptable level for me on just about everything.
Once I realized he was putting in as much effort as I was, if not more, I started to see the next breadcrumbs... his efforts often went unseen and dismissed by me. My resentment began to subside. Recognizing that we both were expending the same amount of effort allowed me to find my fifth gear and try again, but differently.
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2. Encouraging Him to Share His Progress
To better understand his efforts, I decided to open a hole between the wall I built between him and me and have a heartfelt conversation with my husband. I shared the passage from Susan Pinsky's book that had resonated with me and explained how I was beginning to understand the difficulties he faced with simple tasks. This conversation, which was part apology, made him feel heard for the first time in a long while. It allowed us to break down our walls and share more openly.
I expressed how important it was for me to see his progress because it helped me understand he was working hard at it. I also explained that when I hear progress from him, it prevents me from nagging because I am getting the information I need to understand his progress. Finally, I shared that just like in a sports team, I am on the same team as him and I want him to succeed. By seeing the progress, I could better support him when he asked for help. He nodded and agreed to try his best to share any progress he made. Over the weeks, he started pointing out his achievements, like scheduling doctor’s appointments or getting more work from existing clients. At first, it was one progress every few days. Then progress became more frequent, now it is a few times a day. Seeing these small victories more frequently helped further reduce my resentment.
Tip:Â Check out my article on having an uncomfortable conversation for a framework to guide you through this discussion.
3. Using Visual Reminders to Track Progress
Even though I have a good working memory, when I’m busy, stressed, and he has a few bad days in a row, I often forget the progress my ADHD spouse has made. To counteract this, I put up a monthly task tracker at our second-floor landing to track his progress on three things he needs to do that matter to me the most each month. These three things could range from personal to business goals/tasks, such as finding a new client, to a specific household repair task, to weekly check-ins with me. Whenever he made progress, I marked it on the tracker. This visual reminder helped me remember his efforts, preventing me from slipping back into old thinking when he made sufficient progress.
Tip:Â Download my monthly task tracker here and try it out yourself.
Conclusion
These three steps—understanding his effort, encouraging him to share his progress, and using visual reminders—helped me slowly move away from resentment over the next six months. While I can't say my resentment is completely gone, I would say it helped me be more objective about my ADHD spouse by truly seeing his efforts. This helped us pave the road to changing the way we saw each other, from not understanding each other's frustrations to having a more open dialogue that allowed us to thrive again.
If you’re struggling with resentment towards your ADHD spouse, I hope these steps can help you as they helped me. Once you have tried it, be sure to leave a comment below and share your experience. Others on a similar journey can benefit from your experience too.
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