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Just like many non-ADHD spouses out there, I have lots of experience in having uncomfortable conversations with my ADHD spouse. There have been many times that my ADHD spouse would walk away from the conversation as soon as I say, 'we need to talk.' Over time, I figured out my own framework for teeing up these uncomfortable conversations that really improve my spouse's engagement. Now, we are often able to discuss for up to 90 minutes, which requires a lot of my spouse's focus and concentration. Recently, I came across a short Simon Sinek video on YouTube about how to have uncomfortable conversations. When I watched it, I chuckled a bit because what he shares is very similar to my own framework. So today, I share his framework, discuss why his framework is effective, and highlight the differences from my own framework.
Who is Simon Sinek?
Simon Sinek is a well-known author, motivational speaker, and organizational consultant. He is best known for his TED Talk and subsequent book "Start With Why." His work explores how leaders can inspire cooperation, trust, and change. While he is not a typical speaker for the ADHD community, but his talk in this video about uncomfortable conversation really make sense.
Summary of the Video:
In the video, Simon Sinek explains his framework for uncomfortable conversations that helps remove tension and lessen defensiveness. He emphasizes the importance of each step: setting the stage, expressing vulnerability, seeking permission, and utilizing the FBI technique (Feelings, Behavior, Impact) to effectively communicate concerns and address issues.
Here is a quick summary of his framework:
Step | Step Name | Step Description |
1 | Setting the stage | Letting the other person know you want to have a difficult conversation |
2 | Express Vulnerability | Express "why" the conversation is uncomfortable for you too and the importance for both of you to have the conversations |
3 | Seek Permission | Ask for permission to precede with the conversation |
4 | Use FBI (Feelings, Behavior, Impact) | Use feelings to help explain yourself |
Why is this framework is effective?
This framework is particularly effective for non-ADHD spouses who need to initiate uncomfortable conversation with their ADHD spouse. As Simon Sinek shares, many of us are not taught to how to have uncomfortable conversations, leading us to have it the wrong way or the wrong time (usually too late) and not being able to resolve the problem in the right time. With Simon Sinek's framework, it is a very clear-cut framework along with his clear example, making it easy for anyone to be able to tee up uncomfortable conversation.
How is my framework different from Simon Sinek's?
The difference really lies in a couple of things:
I write down the points I need to make ahead of time - Individuals with ADHD have an attention challenge. If what you talk is not interesting or engaging, you'll lose them quickly. Guess what? Most uncomfortable conversations are not interesting or engaging. That is why I try not to fumble through my conversations because fumbling causes my ADHD spouse to be disengaged. Writing down the points before I even approach him for a conversation minimizes disengagement from my spouse during the middle of the conversation because I am getting to the point.
I leverage my "I" statement instead of his FBI technique - In reality, both are actually very similar, however, for me, the "I" statement I commonly use is much easier for me to remember and use because of the simplicity.
My "I" statement framework:
I feel X when you do Y because it makes me feel Z .
Conclusion:
Navigating uncomfortable conversations with an ADHD spouse can be challenging, but with the right framework, it's possible to foster understanding and communication. Simon Sinek's approach offers valuable insights, and when combined with personal adaptations, such as pre-planning and using "I" statements, it becomes even more effective. By taking the time to understand your partner's perspective and communicate with empathy and authenticity, you can strengthen your relationship and navigate difficult conversations with confidence and grace.
Check out Simon Sinek's Uncomfortable Conversation Video below.