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How Do I Figure Out How to Make It Work in My ADHD Marriage?

Writer's picture: Alice SAlice S

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This is such a great question from one of my readers. It touches on the heart of what many non-ADHD partners experience when they first discover their partner has ADHD. It’s overwhelming, with so much to learn and navigate. I’m glad you’re asking this now because setting the right foundation early can make all the difference.


It’s also worth mentioning that this isn’t just a question for newly-married non-ADHD partners. Many who have been married to an ADHD partner for years still find themselves trying to figure out how to make it work. ADHD can bring unique challenges to a relationship, and sometimes, these challenges evolve over time, requiring continuous learning and adaptation.


If I had to boil it down, there are three key things you need to figure out ahead of everything else to make it work in your ADHD marriage:


1. Write Down What You Expected When You Got Married and Why You Love Your Partner


When you first got married, what did you envision for your partnership? Take some time to reflect on those expectations. Write them down, along with the reasons you fell in love with your partner. This exercise is crucial because it gives you a baseline to reflect on later. Expectations might shift over time, and that’s okay. But having a clear picture of where you started helps you evaluate the growth and challenges in your relationship more fairly.


This reflection can also remind you of your partner’s strengths and the qualities that made you commit to the marriage. On tough days, looking back on this list can be grounding, helping you stay connected to the reasons you’re in this together.


2. Figure Out Your Non-Negotiable Boundaries


Boundaries are essential. Think about what’s most important to you in your marriage and where you draw the line. This isn’t about restricting your partner; it’s about ensuring you don’t lose yourself in the process of loving them. If you don’t clearly define your boundaries, it’s easy to let things slide — especially when you’re making compromises for someone you love. Over time, those compromises can pile up, leaving you exhausted and frustrated.


Knowing your boundaries acts as an early warning signal. It allows you to recognize when something isn’t sitting well with you, giving you the chance to address it before it becomes a bigger issue. This is how you protect both yourself and your relationship. When you know your limits, you can approach challenges from a place of strength rather than exhaustion, ensuring your marriage stays healthy and balanced.


3. Learn How to Communicate Your Needs Effectively


The art of communication is crucial in any relationship, but especially in one where ADHD plays a role. It’s not just about speaking your mind; it’s about doing so in a way that ensures your partner truly hears and understands you. This means being clear, specific, and patient. ADHD can sometimes make it harder for your partner to process or remember what you’ve said, so finding ways to communicate that work for both of you is key.


Effective communication isn’t just about expressing yourself; it’s also about creating space for your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. The more you both practice this, the more you’ll feel like a team, even when things get challenging. Without strong communication, even the best intentions can fall flat. But by learning how to express your needs clearly, you build a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.


Making an ADHD marriage work is a journey, but by focusing on these three areas, you’re setting yourself up for success. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help along the way. You don’t have to figure it all out overnight — and you don’t have to do it alone.


If you’d like some extra support, I’d love to help. Schedule a no-cost call with me, and together we can explore how to navigate the challenges and build the marriage you both deserve. This is my way of giving back and supporting others on their journey.



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