ADHD and Defiant Behaviour: Finding the Line Between Discipline and Symptoms

Many parents struggle to define the fine line between discipline and ADHD symptoms, and wonder how best to respond. I remember feeling the same confusion years ago, especially when my daughter’s emotional outbursts seemed to escalate overnight during puberty.

That’s when I discovered Dr. Ross Greene’s work. Desperate for strategies to help my daughter manage her intense reactions, I delved into the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model. His approach immediately resonated with me, and the results were so encouraging that almost a decade later, whenever I can, I share them with other parents. If you’ve ever wondered whether your child’s behaviour is defiance or a symptom of ADHD, I encourage you to keep reading.

Rethinking Defiance: What’s Really Going On?

When children with ADHD display defiant or oppositional behaviour, it’s easy to interpret it as disrespect, manipulation, or a lack of motivation. But Dr. Greene’s CPS model invites us to see these behaviours differently—not as willful disobedience, but as signals that our children are struggling to meet expectations due to lagging skills like flexibility, frustration tolerance, problem-solving, and emotional regulation.

The mantra of CPS is simple but powerful: Kids do well if they can. If a child is melting down, refusing to comply, or lashing out, it’s not because they want to make your life harder; it’s because something is getting in their way. For children with ADHD, those “somethings” are often hard-to-meet goals that overwhelm their executive functioning and emotional resources.

From Punishment to Partnership

Traditional discipline often focuses on stopping unwanted behaviours through rewards and punishments. But, as Dr. Greene points out, this approach only puts a temporary Band-Aid on the problem. Harsh punishments might suppress outbursts for a while, but they don’t address the underlying issues and can increase guilt, shame, and conflict.

The CPS model, by contrast, is built on empathy, collaboration, and proactive problem-solving. Instead of focusing solely on the behaviour, it encourages us to focus on the root problem and work with our children to find solutions before the next eruption.

The CPS Roadmap: Steps to Transform Defiant Behaviour

Here’s how the CPS approach works in practice:

1. Be Observant and Identify Lagging Skills Notice when and where your child struggles to meet expectations. Are transitions tough? Is frustration a trigger? Do multi-step directions overwhelm them? These are clues to lagging skills.

2. Identify Unsolved Problems Any expectation your child struggles to meet—even occasionally—is an unsolved problem. List them out. For example: “Has trouble turning off video games for dinner,” or “Explodes when asked to do homework.”

3. Prioritize Problems Not every problem can be solved at once. Start with the most urgent—those tied to safety, those that happen most frequently, or those with the biggest impact.

4. Collaborate and Problem-Solve Together Bring your child into the process. Ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective: “I’ve noticed you get really upset when it’s time to turn off your game for dinner. What’s up?” Share your own concerns, and brainstorm solutions together. The goal is to find a plan that works for both of you, not just impose a rule from above.

5. Be Proactive, Not Reactive The best time to solve problems is before the next meltdown. If you wait until your child is already escalated, it’s too late for collaboration. Real progress happens in calm, connected moments.

   
   

A Real-Life Example

My daughter never responded well to “Go clean your room,” or “Are you done cleaning your room?” no matter how I phrased it. Most of the time, these requests were met with defiance or defensiveness, often escalating the mood in our home. I made so many assumptions about why she wouldn’t cooperate, but they were far from the truth.

Following Dr. Greene’s approach, I waited for a calm moment and asked her what was getting in the way of taking care of her room. To my surprise, she explained that she actually wanted to clean and enjoyed the feeling of an organized space, but she felt overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start when the mess piled up. Instead, she’d do something else and feel bad and ashamed.

I was stunned by her honesty and clarity. After a hug and a quick conversation, we came up with a solution: she divided her room into areas with funny names, started with her favourite one, and took before-and-after pictures for motivation. This simple experiment addressed both of our concerns, without a power struggle.

Shifting Our Mindset

The CPS model asks us to shift from seeing “bad” behaviour as a child’s choice to seeing it as a child’s signal. Instead of thinking, “She’s pushing my buttons,” or “He could do it if he tried,” we learn to ask, “What skills is my child missing?” and “What expectations are they struggling to meet?”

This mindset shift is especially important for parents of children with ADHD, whose challenges are often rooted in a delay of executive function development. As Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading expert in ADHD, explains: “Children with ADHD are often two to three years behind their peers in the development of executive functions.” This means that skills like self-regulation, organization, decision-making and impulse control may lag significantly, showing up in ways that are loud, messy, or disruptive.

It’s crucial to remember that these difficulties are not a matter of choice or character, but rather a reflection of neurological development. Beneath the surface, kids with ADHD desperately want to do well—they just need extra support, understanding, and patience as they work to build these essential skills.

Final Thoughts: Compassion Over Control

Parenting a child with ADHD and defiant behaviour is never easy. It’s normal to feel doubt, guilt, or frustration. But by moving from punishment to partnership, and by collaborating with our children to solve the real problems, we can transform our relationships and help our kids build the skills they need to thrive.

If you’re feeling stuck, remember: Kids do well if they can. And parents do well when they know how.