Why is it always up to me to get things done in our relationship?

Why is it always up to me to get things done in our relationship?

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Does this sound like you?

You're the one keeping track of appointments, following up on tasks, remembering deadlines, managing the house, the forms—the everything. You didn’t mean to become the default manager of your relationship—but here you are, exhausted and wondering:

Why is it always up to me?

I used to feel that way too. It started small—just helping out with a few things that felt easy for me. But over time, the load got heavier. I took on more and more, and with it came resentment.

That resentment started to leak into how I spoke to him. My tone got sharper, my patience thinner. I became more passive-aggressive without even realizing it. Years later—after we’d done a lot of work on our relationship—he told me that back then, he felt like he was constantly walking on eggshells. Eventually, he just stopped offering to help or let me take over—not because he didn’t want to do the tasks, but because his best efforts always got stomped on by my criticism of “not good enough.”

That was the moment it finally hit me: I had been attributing everything to his behavior, without realizing how much my own reactions and expectations were shaping our dynamic too.

What helped me shift?

Looking back, here are five changes that made started to make difference in my uneven load in my relationship:

1. Realizing that doing it myself because it's easier isn't a long-term solution.

Sure, it’s faster for me to make dinner, clean the house, or pay the bills. But that kind of load just isn’t sustainable—especially when I was working 50+ hours at a high-demand job. The short-term gain was costing me my long-term wellbeing.

2. Figuring out the top 5-8 tasks really matter to me.

I can't own every task. But for the tasks that I deem truly important to me — the ones that impact my anxiety, sleep, or sense of stability—I’ve learned to be honest about how important they are. I try to either fully own those tasks or communicate clearly about what kind of support I need.

3. Letting go of control.

We all wants things done our way, but I had to learn to let go on how things gets done, if I don't own the task. I had to take a page from work. My company executives want to see results, not the process. So I learn to focus on the outcome, not the process, for things that I don't want, as long as I communicated my needs and negotiated what what does "done" looks like in a completed task..

4. Getting creative with outside support when we need it.

When I’m under pressure—like facing a big deadline at work—we reduce friction by leaning on outside help. We’ve signed up for meal services, order take out, hire housing cleaning services, when cooking felt like too much. These things have helped us both feel less overwhelmed and reduce potential friction when my patience get very thin due to stress.

5. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

In my culture, we have a saying: “a worm in your stomach”—meaning someone knows you so well, they just get what you want without you having to say a word. For a long time, I held onto that idea in my relationship too.

But honestly? That’s a fantasy. No one can know what you want 100% of the time. So, when I’m feeling overwhelmed or stressed, I let my ADHD partner know. I might say, “Hey, I’m running on fumes today,” just to give him a heads-up. That way, if my tone slips or I seem irritable, he knows it’s not about him—it’s just where I am. That simple heads-up helps prevent misunderstandings and reminds us that we’re in this together.

Final thought:

Feeling like it’s all on you doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means it’s time to take a closer look at the patterns running in the background of your relationship. With a few intentional shifts, you can move toward a more balanced, sustainable partnership—one where you're not carrying it all alone.