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In my previous blog post on self-love, I shared my own 3 steps of self-love: determining who you are and how you want to be in your relationship, establishing your boundaries, and exercise self-compassion on yourself. These initial steps are crucial, as figuring out who you are allows you to define the boundaries needed for your ADHD relationship and allow take the appropriate actions to become the person you aspire to be, both in life and in your relationship.
Reflecting on my own 16-year marriage, where we discovered my partner's ADHD 14 years ago, I realize the importance of knowing yourself. If I knew myself better earlier in my marriage, I would be able to stand firm when my boundaries were crossed (ex. saying not okay and take the appropriate action with my partner when he made a major decision that impacted the both of us without us agreeing to it). However, I understand how the chaos of daily life often makes it challenging to find the time and space to unravel the complexities within. In this blog, I share a few options that worked for me and could help you cut through the noise and create moments of clarity amid life's interruptions.
1.Guided Sitting Meditation:
Sitting meditation is an excellent way to quiet the mind and gain clarity in your thoughts. Whether at home or in a local yoga studio (I prefer doing this outside of home unless I am alone), these sessions, typically 45-60 minutes long, offer ample time to settle in and clear mental clutter. If getting away is not feasible, consider online sitting meditation. Many yoga studios, meditation centers, or even local parks and recreation centers offer online classes.
One of my favorites is the San Francisco Zen Center, a non-profit that provides various Zen practices at their locations or online. They offer online zendo sessions via Zoom, with 12+ free sessions a week, allowing me to choose a time that works for me. The center also provides online recordings of temple sounds, contributing to a sense of calm and facilitating the quiet reflection necessary for self-discovery.
2.Day Retreat/Daylong Meditation:
If a day away is possible, consider attending a day retreat or daylong meditation offered by local yoga studios, Zen, or meditation centers. These retreats provide quiet spaces, allowing you to temporarily detach from the demands of daily life and focus on your thoughts. Some follow structured programs, while others offer more flexibility in terms of activities.
If you can't get away for a day, virtual daylong meditations are now available. Personally, I prefer being away from home to avoid interruptions, but a day alone at home can also be a good alternative.
3.Silent Retreat:
For a more profound experience, explore the option of a 2-3 day silent retreat. During these retreats, participants refrain from speaking, engage in group meditations, and spend solitary time immersed in their thoughts. Some retreats even disconnect from the internet, providing an uninterrupted period for introspection.
Silent Stay Retreat, a non-profit, now located in Southern California due to wildfires, remains an excellent choice. The extended period of silence allows for accelerated self-discovery, aiding in understanding your identity and desired path.
Conclusion:
In the pursuit of self-love and a thriving relationship, finding time and space for self-discovery is paramount. These options, from guided sitting meditations to silent retreats, offer diverse paths to clear the mind and connect with your inner self, ultimately contributing to a more balanced and thriving relationship.
Remember, amidst the challenges of an ADHD marriage, these practices can be valuable tools to help non-ADHD spouses navigate the journey with greater clarity and understanding.
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