How to Support Your ADHD Partner During the Holiday Season While Apart

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The United States is such a melting pot that it is common that ADHD couples spend their holidays apart due to their situations. In our case, my ADHD partner and I have elected to spend our holiday season apart because of his preference to see his faraway family during christmas and and having someone home to care for our pets. For ADHD partners, being away from their usual support system can add an extra layer of stress. Furthermore, on-going tension with family members and friends or anticipation of arguments arise by being with family in close quarters could overwhelm them further. In this post, I share my own tips throughout the holiday season that help me support my ADHD partner while we are apart. Hope this could help you too.

Tip 1: Help your ADHD partner prepare for the travel 

Over the years, I have noticed that my ADHD partner's stress level increases more as it gets closer to the date of travel. If there is an on-going quarrel with his family, that will lift the stress level even higher. To help him better manage his stress, I typically start helping him get organized 2 weeks before his travel date by having short conversations around the following topics:

• Gifts for his family

• Update his packing list

• Preparing for common topics of discussion

Simply asking him open ended questions around these topics, "What gifts have your purchased for your family?" or "Anything you want to add or subtract from this year's packing list?" gets him to start preparing for his travel. If I see that he might need help in an area, I would ask him if he need help.

These short conversations works well because the questions are specific, thought provoking while allowing him to take control of the situation. If he needs reminders, during the conversations, he could easily schedule the reminders with Amazon Alexa, ellivating me from falling back into the parent-child dynamic.

Tip 2: Set up daily check-ins 

We make a point go connect at least once daily at a set time while we are apart. We find that the consistent and predictive communication—whether through a phone call or video chat—offers some level of normalcy for my ADHD partner. Use this time to share bits of our daily plans and activities, talk about challenges, and offer encouragement. These moments of connection remind my partner that he is not alone, even when you’re miles apart. Furthermore, at his discretion, we dedicate part of our check-ins on discussing how to best handle his concerns of receiving criticisms during family gatherings and his rising anxiety. The discussion allows him to pre-rehearse some of the situations out loud and work through some of his responses ahead of time. This often helps him reduce his anxiety.

Tip 3: Encourage your partner to advocate for their needs

Just like many other ADHD partners, my partner is also a people pleaser. Holiday gatherings could often add extra anxiety for him because he is often face with receiving criticism from his family of unmet expectations. This is largely due to the fact that his family does not fully understand ADHD and know how best to support him. This is common amongst the ADHD partners I speak with. When he discuss his concerns of receiving criticisms during an upcoming family gatherings, I often encourage him to trust his gut. For example, if it is still within a few days of his arrival and he expresses he is still tired due to lack of sleep, instead of him trying to attend family gatherings nightly, I would suggest he considers skipping the family gathering tonight and get the rest he needs so that he could be his full self in the next family gatherings (yes, they see each other almost every night during the holidays). If someone question his decision, I would encourage him to be open to share a concise reason why he needs the rest (i.e. I have been up for 24 hours for my travel and I am still jet lag). Sharing a reason is really for his own benefit as he is simply advocating his needs. Afterall, anyone's well-being should be a top priority for themselves. At the end, I always let him know the decision of what to do is up to him because everyone is responsible for one's action and I respect his decision.

Tip 4: Offer emotional support without judgment 

When my partner calls me up after our daily check-in, it's typically because of 2 reasons: Something exciting has happened and he wanted to share or something happened that made him upset. If it's because something is upsetting, he often wants me to lend a helpful ear and hear his point of view. Just by listening and without judgement, relieves some of the stress for him. By helping him get to a lower state of stress on the call, he gets to a calmer state that allow him to better enjoy is holidays with family and friends.

Tip 5: Provide a way out if needed 

The holidays don’t always go as planned, and your partner might find themselves in situations that feel too overwhelming. For me, I often reassure my partner that it’s okay to leave early or skip something entirely if it becomes too much. Prioritizing their well-being is the best choice, and giving him an option - providing a way out, regardless if he takes it up or not, gives the assurances that I have got his back.

Conclusion

While physical distance may separate you during the holidays, it doesn’t diminish the impact of your support. In fact, your thoughtful efforts to stay connected and provide reassurance can make all the difference for your ADHD partner. Helping them prepare, advocating for their needs, and being emotionally available ensures that your presence is felt even from afar. These small but meaningful gestures empower them to navigate the season with confidence and enjoy their time with family and friends.

How do you support your ADHD partner when you’re apart? Share your insights in the comments below!