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For many non-ADHD spouses, finding the right balance in a marriage is challenging, especially as the years pass by. However, this is not something that is unattainable. In this blog , we'll delve into the challenges faced by non-ADHD spouses in ADHD marriages and provide a roadmap for finding that elusive equilibrium.
The Challenges:
1. Changing Expectations Over Time
When you first found about ADHD, you might not have fully grasped the nuances of ADHD. Your expectations were likely based on societal norms, and you may not have anticipated the unique challenges ADHD can bring. As the years go by, you may find that your initial expectations no longer align with the reality of your ADHD-affected marriage. This shift can lead to feelings of frustration and disappointment.
2. Evolving Needs
Over time, your needs in the relationship may change. As your life together unfolds, you may require more support, understanding, or shared responsibilities. This is a natural part of any marriage, but in an ADHD-affected marriage, these changing needs can sometimes be exacerbated by the condition. It's essential to communicate openly about these evolving needs to maintain balance.
3. Growing Resentment
Over time, unaddressed challenges in an ADHD-affected marriage can lead to growing resentment. The accumulation of unmet expectations and evolving needs can foster negative feelings and strain the relationship. It's vital to address these feelings constructively to prevent them from poisoning the marriage.
Finding the Right Balance:
Facing these challenges can be a significant turning point in your ADHD-affected marriage. While challenges may arise, they can serve as stepping stones to a stronger and more resilient partnership. It's important to remember that as your relationship matures, it also offers opportunities for growth and understanding. One of the key lessons I learn in finding the right balance for my marriage It's not about achieving the neurotypical equilibrium but rather an ADHD marriage equilibrium. To me, I like to borrow from Suze Orman's approach to split household expenses between partners by percentage of their earnings as a better way to finding the right balance in my marriage. This, to me, is a fair and the right balance I strive to achieve in my marriage. With that said, there will be time where I take on more than my fair share. When that happens, here are a few ways I help myself retore the necessary balance to build a harmonious, enduring marriage.
1. Reflect and Adjust
Take time to reflect on how your expectations have evolved since your early days of marriage. Understand that it's normal for them to change. With this understanding, you can make adjustments and find new ways to appreciate your partner's unique qualities. I highly recommend writing down the reasons you married your ADHD spouse and what is the current state of the balance as soon as you find out your spouse has ADHD. This has helped me from time to time as I am the relationship is highly unbalanced..
2. Communication is Key
Effective communication remains at the heart of a successful marriage. Discuss how your needs have evolved and how ADHD factors into this. Listen to your partner's perspective as well. Together, you can find common ground and develop strategies for a more balanced relationship.
3. Address Growing Resentment
If you sense growing resentment, address it openly and honestly. Share your feelings with your partner, and work together to find solutions to the underlying issues. Professional counseling can also be a valuable resource for addressing and resolving resentment, especially when you find it difficult to have a clam and open conversation.
4. Regular Check-Ins
Establish a habit of regular check-ins with your partner. These conversations can help ensure that you're both on the same page and aware of each other's evolving needs and challenges. It's an opportunity to express your feelings and provide support to each other. This has been the biggest help for our marriage because we don't let things fester for a long period of time. This dramatically reduces the resentment build-up and helps you keep the right balance longer.
5. Flexibility and Patience
Be prepared to adapt and be patient. In an ADHD-affected marriage, some days may be smoother than others. Flexibility and understanding are vital to navigate the ebb and flow of your relationship.
6. Seek Support
If you find that the challenges of your ADHD marriage are becoming overwhelming, don't hesitate to seek support from professionals or support groups. They can provide valuable insights and strategies to help you maintain balance and harmony in your marriage. For me, I typically sign up for a couples training course or non-ADHD support group when I reach a tipping point, and always, through the education/support process, I find new ways to help me get back to the right balance.
7. Celebrate the Journey
Remember to celebrate the journey you're on together. Your marriage is a unique one, and while it may have its challenges, it also offers opportunities for growth, love, and connection that can be deeply fulfilling.
Conclusion
As time passes in an ADHD-affected marriage, finding the right balance becomes an evolving process. Changing expectations, evolving needs, and growing resentment are all challenges that can arise. By recognizing these shifts and implementing open communication, addressing resentment, and fostering understanding, you can navigate the challenges and continue to build a loving and harmonious partnership that grows and evolves with you.
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