How Mindfulness Helps Keep My Sanity When Raising Kids in an ADHD-Affected Relationship

How Mindfulness Helps Keep My Sanity When Raising Kids in an ADHD-Affected Relationship

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I often hear comments about how fun my spouse is and what a wonderful parent he must have been to our now young adult children. I nod in agreement, thinking, And I’m the boring one, the one quietly attending to everyone’s important matters except my own. This blog isn’t a vent or a pity party. Instead, it’s a reflection on what has worked for me in maintaining a 30-year relationship, especially when ADHD flew under the radar for so long. My spouse jokingly claims that inconsistency is his middle name, and while it doesn’t bother him much—he believes he delivers what’s asked of him—it has been a challenging dynamic to navigate.

Rather than debate the validity of his reasoning or dwell on frustration, I want to explore how the inconsistency of the ADHD brain (often unnoticed by its owner) can slowly erode relationships. More importantly, I’ll share how I’ve managed to maintain my sanity, especially during the years when our children were young and consistency was essential for their development.

Riding the ADHD Roller Coaster

I frequently use the roller coaster analogy to describe my journey navigating expectations and emotions in our relationship. When it came to parenting, many conversations about consistency led nowhere. We would agree on household routines and rules for the kids. While I worked diligently to uphold them, my husband would follow through only briefly before distraction or impulsivity set in.

His spontaneity and humour were infectious—even the kids nicknamed him “the third child”—but these qualities didn’t erase the emotional labour I carried. At times, it genuinely felt like I was parenting three children, not two. Taking on more initiative and responsibility seemed necessary for family stability, but over time, my own needs went unnoticed and unmet. Eventually, resentment began to quietly build, draining my patience and tolerance for both my spouse and our kids.

Re-Discovering Myself: Mindfulness Strategies for Support

The constant shifts in my mood eventually became a wake-up call. I realized I needed a way to pause and reflect before I reached a breaking point. Around that time, a friend introduced me to mindfulness and meditation. Curiosity led me to try a meditation group, and I still remember the peace I felt after each session. Those weekly gatherings became my “me time,” encouraging me to deepen my practice with a meditation app. Even on busy days, I promised myself three minutes, sometimes escaping to the bathroom for that precious alone time.

Over time, mindfulness became an essential daily habit. This practice allowed me to pause, step back, and—more often than not—respond thoughtfully rather than react habitually in moments of frustration. Take the kitchen, for example: it’s common for my husband to assure me he’ll clean up after breakfast or dinner, or tackle other household chores, but more often than not, these well-intended promises go unfulfilled—or at least not within the timeframe I expect. I’d come home hours after breakfast to find the kitchen still untouched, and that all-too-familiar wave of irritation and disappointment would rise within me. Rather than lashing out or reinforcing the internal narrative that nothing ever changes, I’d pause, take a few grounding breaths, and choose to engage with one of the mindfulness practices I’ve developed over time. My favourite is the STOP practice. That short pause gives me the space to express my feelings and expectations in a way that invites conversation and action, without blame or resentment.

This doesn’t make the situation perfect or magically fix the pattern, but it does help me shift from knee-jerk reactions to more mindful, constructive responses that serve both my family’s dynamic and my own peace of mind.

Through this journey, I also discovered that understanding my values and letting go of the “non-essentials” brought balance and perspective. I look forward to exploring this more in future posts.

The Importance of Consistency in Parenting

Consistency is the cornerstone of habit-building and structure for children; they learn best by modelling what they see. But when ADHD is part of the parenting equation, maintaining consistency can feel almost impossible. It requires patience, understanding, and sometimes unconventional strategies to manage symptoms and keep household rhythms as steady as possible.

Conclusion: Finding Balance and Appreciation

Modern life challenges everyone’s executive functioning skills, and ADHD only magnifies those challenges. Managing schedules, responsibilities, and relationships becomes exponentially harder when symptoms like forgetfulness or impulsivity are in play. What sustains me is remembering what makes my partner special. Appreciating his qualities helps me stay grounded in how I want to show up in our relationship.

It’s not always easy, but through understanding, self-care, and intentional strategies, we’ve managed to build a partnership that continues to adapt and grow. Mindfulness doesn’t fix everything, but it offers me the clarity and resilience I need to keep showing up for my family—and for myself.