top of page

Finding Our Rhythm: How I Learned to Set Goals as an ADHD Couple

Writer's picture: Alice SAlice S

Updated: Feb 1

Want to listen? Just click 'Play'!

At the start of the year, it seems like everyone on the planet is busy setting goals—both individually and as couples. It’s practically a global norm to kick off January with aspirations for growth and improvement. Like many, i used to set ambitious couples’ goals in the spirit of connection and self-improvement. But over time, I realized that this approach didn’t work well for us.


Here are the key things I’ve discovered over the years:


  1. Post-Holiday Adjustment Time Is Crucial


For my ADHD partner, January often feels like a time to recover rather than ramp up. The post-holiday blues hit him hard, especially after the stimulation of spending time with family and close friends in his hometown. When he returns, he needs time to get used to our normal home routines. But as a go-getter myself, I used to be so ready for us to set new goals as a couple that I neglected to see how much he needed time to settle back in first. When we attempted our goal-setting conversations in January, he often seemed disinterested, and the conversation rarely lasted more than 20-30 minutes, which was insufficient to figure out the milestones for the goals.


  1. The Risk of Overwhelm


As the non-ADHD partner, it’s easy for me to create a long list of goals because I know some will naturally fall by the wayside. I’m okay with that. But for my ADHD partner, a long list of goals is overwhelming for several reasons:


  • It’s hard for him to organize and track the steps required for each goal.

  • Some goals don’t feel exciting because the rewards are too far away.

  • He assumes everything on the list is equally important and tries to accomplish as much as possible to make me happy.

  • I didn’t tell him which goal really matters to me.


My natural inclination to over-plan made the entire process daunting for him rather than exciting.


  1. Losing Steam Mid-Year


Setting goals at the beginning of the year makes me feel great, but as more pressing responsibilities pile up throughout the year, I know we’ll inevitably let some of them go. Often, our couples’ goals end up on the chopping block because other priorities take over.


My Adjustments to Make Goal Setting Work for Us


Because of these challenges, I’ve figured out a new game plan that works much better for us as a couple. Here are the adjustments I’ve made:


Adjustment No. 1: Goal Setting in February


I no longer force us to have annual goal-setting conversations in January. Instead, I get his agreement to discuss our goals for the year at the beginning of February. This works well for my ADHD partner because we agree in advance on how much time he needs to get back into normal routines and pick a specific date for the discussion. Giving him this space and respect makes a world of difference when we actually have the conversation in February.


Adjustment No. 2: A Maximum of Three Goals and Aligning on Shared Success Expectations


Because many of our couples’ goals are related to finances or household operations—areas that don’t interest him much but are necessary—we now limit ourselves to three goals. We choose these together from a joint list and discuss what each of us thinks success looks like for each one. We then have a short discussion to agree on what success for the goal is. Keeping the list small helps us focus on what really matters instead of trying to do too much. It also makes the process less overwhelming for him, which increases his enthusiasm for achieving the goals. Furthermore, by aligning on what success looks like for both of us, it allows us both to understand the expectations clearly. This truly helps us as a couple when we discuss the status of the goals throughout the year. He no longer gets defensive when we discuss the lack of progress on a goal. I no longer get upset because I’m not measuring the results based on my own expectations. This works vice versa too.


Adjustment No. 3: Celebrate the Wins


My friend and teacher, Anita Robertson, LCSW, taught me the importance of celebrating wins first. Starting our goal-setting conversations with praise for my partner’s achievements from the previous year—no matter how small—has been a game changer. Acknowledging his successes, even for baby steps toward the goal, provides the encouragement he needs to stay engaged during our 60+ minute conversations and throughout the year.


Adjustment No. 4: Asking the Right Questions Throughout the Year


In the past, I used to ask all the wrong questions, which often discouraged him from making progress. For example, I might ask why something hadn’t been done rather than how I could support him in moving forward. Now, I ask questions that put him in the driver’s seat and make it easier for him to ask for my help. This has made all the difference. He now remembers our goals throughout the year and proactively shares the positive steps he’s made. This truly helps fuel our relationship positively, allowing us to continue to build trust with each other.


Conclusion


Goal setting as a couple doesn’t have to follow a traditional timeline or process. For my ADHD marriage, embracing flexibility, understanding, and celebrating the small wins have been game changers. By shifting our approach—waiting until February, keeping the list manageable, celebrating progress, and asking supportive questions—we’ve created a system that works for us.


This isn’t about lowering standards but about adapting to what helps both partners thrive. Whether you’re navigating ADHD dynamics or not, these adjustments might inspire you to rethink how you set and achieve goals as a team. After all, the best goals are the ones that bring you closer—not tear you apart.

11 views0 comments

Comments

Rated 0 out of 5 stars.
No ratings yet

Add a rating

©2025 by Life with an ADHD Spouse

bottom of page